The Spongebob Squarepants Movie: Director's Cut

Everybody knows Spongebob Squarepants. It is a very popular show on Nickelodeon. This show caused a lot of buzz and I happen to be one of the biggest fans of it myself. I really love how this show takes place under the sea.

Alright, let's go back to the year 2004.

Do you all remember The Spongebob Squarepants Movie? Oh, I really love to watch it, and it airs on Nick sometime. Here is the synopsis.

"There's trouble brewing in Bikini Bottom. Someone has stolen King Neptune's crown, and it looks like Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob's boss, is the culprit. Though he's just been passed over for the promotion of his dreams, SpongeBob stands by his boss, and along with his best pal Patrick, sets out on a treacherous mission to Shell City to reclaim the crown and save Mr. Krabs's life."

However, there was an unreleased director's cut.

One afternoon, I was playing Spongebob Squarepants: Battle For Bikini Bottom on my Playstation 2 in my room (I like how you battle robots in the game), then I got bored and went on my computer.

When I was about to watch Spongebob episodes on it, I received an email from one of my friends. It said that there is an unreleased director's cut of The Spongebob Squarepants Movie. You have to admit, I was interested.

I began a search for it. I tried contacting the people who worked on the film, via emails or phone calls, but I never got a response or I only got an answering machine.

My last resort was contacting Stephen Hillenburg, the person who created Spongebob Squarepants, and one of the two people who directed the film. I managed to get on a Skype interview with him, and I asked him general questions like "Where did you get the idea for this film?" and "What did you think of the finished film?" and whatnot. So when I finally asked him about the purported "Director's Cut", he just fell silent. I could see his face going pale. He proceeded to tell me, "Don't look for it. Just let the memory die." He hung up the call right then, and I just sat at my desk, confused. I went to bed.

The next day, I tried emailing Mr. Hillenburg about the Director's Cut, in an attempt to find out more. I managed to get a response exactly 45 minutes later! The email said: "I'm not sure if seeing it is a very good idea, but I'll let you have it, as long as you give me your address so I'll be able to send it to you. Just like everything else you see, the following that you will see in this will forever stay in your mind for the rest of your life." I was unsure if I really wanted to see the Director's Cut at this point, but hey, morbid curiosity got the best of me. So I sent back another email with my address and a "thank you".

About a week later, I received a package from Mr. Hillenburg himself. It was the Director's Cut VHS tape... strangely it had the exact same design as the regular The Spongebob Squarepants Movie VHS tape. I was so overjoyed, I grabbed my old VHS player, went to go get some popcorn and some Sprite, then I put in the tape, sat down, and was ready to watch the director's cut.

If only I would take that back.

Well, the intro of the film was different. You know, where the pirates get the tickets to the Spongebob movie? Well, the shot just... stays there. It just froze on the pirate in the crow's nest, using the telescope. He didn't move at all. You couldn't even hear the voices of the pirates. It was just total silence.

Gee, that's odd.

After about six minutes, the tape cut to the scene of Spongebob and Patrick driving in their Krabby Patty car singing the Goofy Goober song...Wow, this was pretty late in the film. Again, it was dead silence. It cut to static for about 30 seconds, but again it was silent. The weird thing is that I could make out some sort of video in the static...

It looked like Patrick, who was no longer in the car and was on the road, laying unconscious, and Spongebob, who was still in the car, was running him over repeatedly, and as he kept doing it, blood spurted on the screen. The blood was either food coloring, that might have been used for the making of this realistic blood splatter effect, paint, or... real. It wasn't your regular cartoon blood.

I nearly vomited, but after the video clip ended, the film cut to the scene where Spongebob and Patrick receive their seaweed mustaches from Mindy, but again it was silent.

When it got to the scene of where Spongebob and Patrick are falling into the trench without taking the stairs, right when they were about to hit the branch, it once again cut to static. This time there was no hidden video thankfully, and it was just regular static. It cut to the shot of the monsters walking away after following Spongebob and Patrick to the other side of the trench because Spongebob called them hideous, disgusting monsters. However the scene went on longer than I expected...

It showed the monsters walking away for like five seconds, and then, for no reason, they all began fighting each other. Blood and organs were flying.

It then cut to Spongebob, Patrick, and Mindy at the Krusty Krab 2, where Plankton commands King Neptune to kill them with his fiery staff. And he actually does it. Spongebob, Patrick, and Mindy were disintegrated by it, mushy gore flying everywhere. SpongeBob's head landed next to Plankton, who laughed evilly. Then, King Neptune finally burns the poor, frozen Mr. Krabs, who melts into blood and melted organs, but not like the same state as Spongebob, Patrick, and Mindy because ice is made out of water, you know. This time, I threw up. Then I paused the film, and went into the bathroom to throw up even more!

When I came back, I unpaused the film. Instead of the credits rolling, there was just a black screen, and distorted piano music in reverse, probably JS Bach Badinerie, was playing.

I quickly turned off my VCR, ejected the tape, smashed it to pieces with a hammer, and threw the pieces out the window.

I am NEVER gonna buy any of the bootleg tapes like this. I had nightmares about the tape for almost a week.

The original movie aired on Nick a few months later, on a rainy day. As I sat there for 25 seconds, there was a whisper behind me:

"Wanna watch it again?"

I turned around and it was a Spongebob plushie with red eyes, smiling. I grabbed it, threw it out the window, and the rain soaked into it and eventually dissolved it into mush, so no one else could ever see the film.

I will never experience something like that ever, ever, EVER again. If you ever see a copy of the director's cut tape, stay away from it, or why don't you destroy it?